muskrat_john: KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE

muskrat_john (

muskrat_john) wrote,
@ 2008-06-11 11:34:00

Current location:	Muskrat Central
Current mood:	nerdy
Current music:	"Myriad Harbor" - The New Pornographers
Entry tags:	dork tower, dungeons and dragons, scroll

KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE
The designers of Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition must be having a real roller-coaster time, right about now. On the one hand, this epic labor of love is finally in readers' hands, to much acclaim. On the other hand, it will be slowly nibbled to death by gerbils as every gamer under the sun points out the one or two nitpicky things they dislike in the nearly-thousand-page Opus of Awesomejuice they released.

(I, for one, don't understand why The "Customizing Scores" method of character generation starts with 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Would it have been that much to throw a couple extra points players' ways - creating 10's across the board - and thereby making the subsequent table of point additions that much more elegant? Nitpicky, nitpicky, NITPICKY!)

I will say, however, that the Monster Manual gives me greatest pause. Not due to any mechanic. Simply because of the sheer number of monsters that now go by MODIFIER-title MONSTER NAME (or MONSTER NAME modifier-TITLE). Yes, I realize this is due to the seemingly endless subdivision and stratification of monsters and monster types necessitated by new monster Roles: artillery, brute, controller, soldier, fishmonger (or something like that). But still, in the first few pages alone, we have:

Aboleth Slime Mage
Aboleth Overseer
Ice Archon Hailscourge
Ice Archon Rimehammer (embarrassingly misread as "RIM-hammer," initially)

Ice Archon Frostshaper
Azer Taskmaster
Azer Beastlord
Warthorn Battlebriar (Um...is that "War Thorn" or "Wart Horn"? Just wonderin', is all...)
Earthrage Battlebriar

Turning to a random page in the middle (132), we have the

Gnoll Huntmaster
Gnoll Demonic Scourge
Gnoll Claw Fighter

The sense of rhythm is undeniable, but so, alas, is the sense of sameness. Were the ancients forbidden from using a third modifier? Did they have to pay by the word when entering new creatures into the ledger? It does rather make me want to take a look at the stylebook the zoologists are forced to use in the lands of Greyhawk.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious that D&D 4th edition has a specific way they'd like you to differentiate monsters. Now, anybody can be a critic. But it takes a better man to offer constructive advice - to put forward something POSITIVE. And so, in that spirit, I humbly offer KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE, for those who want to create monsters or name new Player Characters the right way...the Fourth Edition way. Roll some dice and try it out!

KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE

STEP ONE
ROLL 1D20.
1-5 Table creates a prefix (ie, Feypants Orc)
6-20 Table creates a suffix (ie, Orc Lightningrimmer)

STEP TWO
FLIP A COIN, THEN ROLL PERCENTILE DICE.
Heads, you generate a number between 1 and 100. Tails, you generate a number between 101 and 200. Do this twice. For example, you roll a 62 and an 04. 62 in the first column is "Goat," and 82 is "crotch." Bingo! So your new monster would be either a Goatcrotch Ent or an Ent Goatcrotch, depending on how you rolled during Step One.

ROLL	MODIFIER	TITLE
01	Thunder	spleen
02	Lightning	toes
03	Sheboygan	seer
04	Fire	crotch
05	L.Ron	hamster
06	Over	lard
07	Slime	lord
08	Stalker	-iffic
09	Blood	sausage
10	Battle	thighs
11	Frost	noodle
12	Hell	scourge
13	Lily	hammer
14	Slut	master
15	Task	queen
16	Beast	breath
17	Toady	catcher
18	Dart	board
19	Shadow	swarmer
20	Venom	-eye
21	Water	cup
22	Cream	liver
23	Dire	spike
24	Rot	gut
25	Tangle-	champ
26	Mace	tail
27	Iron	fingers
28	Pickle	tyrant
29	Sloppy	fist
30	Bone	claw
31	Postpunk	reaver
32	Bitchy	cakes
33	Tiny	dancer
34	Fey	ray
35	Mire-	hair
36	God	spurned
37	Heck	forged
38	Vise	tooth
39	Gob	smacker
40	Fight	club
41	Gerbil	carver
42	Spectral	buns
43	Winter	shield
44	Wyrm	hook
45	Toad	stool
46	Brittle	marmot
47	Havok	pants
48	Porn	moonbat
49	Pullover	jumper
50	Death	hulk
51	Cheese	weasel
52	Muskrat	lover
53	Dragon	born
54	Orc	fluffer
55	Yellow	submariner
56	Beard	trimmer
57	Chain	gang
58	Ice	ricer
59	Pit	devil
60	War	fiend
61	Chicken	strummer
62	Goat	patter
63	Spiney	devourer
64	Spirit	Emo
65	Sneak	stockings
66	Beast	baiter
67	Rune	boobie
68	Black	knife
69	White	shadow
70	Brown	cow
71	Blue	state
72	Beetle	juice
73	Gloom	belcher
74	Kobold	slayer
75	Gnoll	layer
76	Pseudo	intellectual
77	Copper	kettle
78	Spitting	overseer
79	Brass	knuckle
80	Bolt	thrower
81	Pink	singer
82	Chaffed	strider
83	Chapped	lips
84	Pyre	britches
85	Summer	wind
86	Golden	shower
87	Salad	shooter
88	Sugar	butt
89	Papaya	bolt
90	Dread	budgie
91	Raisin	toast
92	Sleepy	hollow
93	Rock	brain
94	Earthwind	fire
95	Ur-	stench
96	Web	wing
97	Butter	king
98	Forge	fairy
99	Fell	yellowpolkadotbikini
100	Cleaveland	steamer
101	Sponge	nuts
102	Swarm	thingie
103	Torn	fancypants
104	Deep	throat
105	Swallow	nickers
106	Proud	foot
107	One	sack
108	Badonkadonk	loaf
109	Heavy	breather
110	Frak	bottom
111	Meat	snack
112	Tasty	nose
113	Pain	maistro
114	Skullcrusher	squarepants
115	Itsybityteenyweeny	mellons
116	Rap	parts
117	Cookie	business
118	Numb	geek
119	Man	scape
120	Girl	bits
121	Danger	boots
122	Tweedle	dum
123	Galaxy	jaw
124	Phlegm	bootie
125	Pixie	dickens
126	Piggie	pumeller
127	Marmot	-priest
128	Spinning	itcher
129	Dancing	dancer
130	Craven	undergarments
131	Nookie	froster
132	Tentacle	saw
133	French	tickler
134	Naughty	trombone
135	Evildead	sanchez
136	Goon	kidney
137	Bug	ickstomper
138	Swallow	spitz
139	Dribble	snot
140	Candy	king
141	Strong	branch
142	Green	twig
143	Moon	Raker
144	Snot	rocket
145	Finger-	romper
146	Head	splitter
147	Skuttle	slut
148	Heart	eater
149	Dirty	Canuck
150	One-eved	wonderworm
151	Icepick	wielder
152	Bacon	-chewer
153	Despoiler	oddparents
154	Sore	sore
155	Fresh-	breeze
156	Back	stabber
157	Stabber	back
158	Pants	head
159	Crotch	stink
160	Crab	wingnut
161	Crabby	panties
162	Steel	pelvis
163	Tomb	will
164	Rubber	duckie
165	Stabby-	-in-the-hole
166	Itty	-stab-stab
167	Prehensile	skull
168	Necro-	wrestle
169	Bass	thumper
170	Part-time-	-temp
171	Curd	fry-o-lator
172	Gnome	giblets
173	Drow	gravy
174	Booty	fruit
175	Beer-	-licious
176	Jail	-bait
177	Extracrispy	groin
178	Lice	loins
179	Gland	odor
180	Blooming	bloomers
181	Furry	helmet
182	Snorkel	flank
183	Banger	-ass
184	Snausage-	stick
185	Beef	chew
186	Crone	jowl
187	Sword	-heart
188	Ass	hips
189	Stoat	jockey
190	Titty	clogs
191	Spork	slag
192	Scum	whore
193	Slime	-ho
194	Trebuchet	wanker
195	Feudal	bitch
196	Loose	molester
197	Bubble	top
198	King	pimp
199	Skull	stripper
200	Strudel	extruder

My good deed for the day is done. No need to thank me now, WoTC. What? What's that, you say? You want to send scads of D&D minis my way, as a show of gratitude? Well...OK, you scamps, you.

(And yes, if anybody possesses the Program-fu to turn this into a web application, I'd love to do an interactive variation.)

EDIT: Holy Stalkercrotch Orc! There are already three version to chose from, if you prefer your tables web-generated!

From abodnar: Version A

From activegnome: Version B

From critus: Version C

Here are some orcs I generated using Version B:

Rockmaster Orc
Orc Webdevil
Orc Feypants
Orc Gloomweasel
Orc Watertoes
Orc Beardbolt
Orc Overspleen
Wargut Orc
Orc Deathknife
Dragonborn Orc (go figure)
Orc Tangle-hollow
Slutsinger Orc
Orc Rotslayer
Orc Sloppycatcher
Orc Thunder-iffic
Orc Sheboyganlord
Stalkercrotch Orc

Heeee!

EDIT EDIT: Now 200 strong. I'm stopping here. I may tweak a word or two, but in general, I think 400 words total should get us well into Monster Manual II territory, and possibly beyond.

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(Post a new comment)

	siobharek 2008-06-11 05:02 pm UTC (link)
	Kovalic for the win! You, sir, win the internet. (Reply to this)

	kobold_8769 2008-06-11 05:03 pm UTC (link)
	Ah, once again I am glad that I stayed with 2E. For character creation (in 2E), I prefer the Living City method; it nicely avoids gripes about low-stat characters. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 05:05 pm UTC (link)
	It's not the fact that it's low stats...you build up from the starting points, so you actually get a decent character. It just seems there's no reason for starting with all 10's and one 8. And it means there's a messy little addition to the table when it could have been cleaner. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	pond823 2008-06-11 05:09 pm UTC (link)
	Haha, i've just been writing some swarming nomenclature software to generate cthulhu-ish planet names. (Reply to this)

	delazan 2008-06-11 05:13 pm UTC (link)
	Have you heard what happened to Monte Cook's basement? They remodeled it before the storms hit. Now it's all ruined. -L. Edited at 2008-06-11 05:14 pm UTC (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 05:49 pm UTC (link)
	Oh, damn. I hadn't heard that. I'm trying to be philosophical about it all: we could be in Lake Delton... (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	koogrr 2008-06-11 05:16 pm UTC (link)
	Hee! Nice! The sort of thing that would show up in an April issue of Dragon. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 07:32 pm UTC (link)
	Oh, man, I miss those issues... (Reply to this) (Parent)

	synabetic 2008-06-11 05:31 pm UTC (link)
	That's excellent! Nice work, sir. (I'm also totally using that chart for this weekend...) (Reply to this)

	fenmere 2008-06-11 05:31 pm UTC (link)
	If I have the time tomorrow or tonight, I'll do the web widget! Of course, people will be able to input their own job titles, usernames or whatever to be prefixed or suffixed. Because that way, it'll spread like maaad across LiveJournal. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 05:36 pm UTC (link)
	Coolness! Many thanks! (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	sorceror 2008-06-11 05:31 pm UTC (link)
	Dork Tower ~~old~~classic? I'm just wondering whether that's because this is a repeat, or because you're sticking with the old system instead of moving to Dork Tower 4E. (Reply to this)

	kensan_oni 2008-06-11 05:34 pm UTC (link)
	Fear my Feyseer Lime Slime Monster! Blurp! (Reply to this)

	86-86 gridlore 2008-06-11 05:46 pm UTC (link)
	Bad man! You're a very bad man! (Reply to this)

	childofmypain 2008-06-11 05:47 pm UTC (link)
	Wow! I am absolutely using this in a beer and pretzels game I am running this weekend, Return to the Lost Dugeon of Hookers and Ale. My girlfriend has asked me to put a weresnail in the dungeon (see badsex community) and this will be a huge help! Thanks. Now please sir, get out of my brain. (Reply to this)

	abodnar 2008-06-11 05:53 pm UTC (link)
	Here ya go, http://buzzard.kdi.com/~abodnar/creature.html I only handle the second part of the generation. But it'd be easy to add doing prefix/suffix. Also, if you want to add more, just have to add a modifier[(next number)]="(new value)"; and a ttitle[(next number)]="(new value)"; to the javascript array. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	tarpo 2008-06-11 05:39 pm UTC (link)
	Woe be it to he who rolls an Orc 100-100.. (Reply to this)

	activegnome 2008-06-11 06:00 pm UTC (link)
	Here's my bit, though I'm in the process of making it look prettier. :) Any artwork that I snag for it for by chance? http://www.clarkzoo.org/KovalicScroll/Default.aspx (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	rupertofhentzau 2008-06-11 05:54 pm UTC (link)
	Psst. Buddy. You have liver in there twice! #9 and #22... (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 05:58 pm UTC (link)
	Thus changed. Thanks! There were far more repetitions half and hour ago...prolly one or two left, still... "Thunder" appeared three times. :-) (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	freeport_pirate 2008-06-11 05:58 pm UTC (link)
	Beat me to it, Herr K! I was amusing myself with the idea of doing a similar chart for my blog, but you've gone and done it. Nice. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 06:16 pm UTC (link)
	Great minds, sir. Great minds... :-) (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	critus 2008-06-11 06:03 pm UTC (link)
	Heh...and here's mine.. http://www.critus.net/index.cfm?fuseaction=toys.kovalicNomenclature (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 06:05 pm UTC (link)
	Flipping hilarious! (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	stannex 2008-06-11 06:10 pm UTC (link)
	I LOVE that chart! I'm giving serious thought to USING it for a project I'm going to be writing for WotC. heh heh heh (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 06:24 pm UTC (link)
	Considering the source, that's praise indeed. Thanks! (Reply to this) (Parent)

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	tabbyfoo 2008-06-11 06:40 pm UTC (link)
	lol. Try putting in things that are NOT d&d monsters: Forgebutt Baby Is that like baby got back? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	muskrat_john 2008-06-11 06:43 pm UTC (link)
	Hee! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	tikurion 2008-06-11 06:58 pm UTC (link)
	Oh and possibly changing "Keikocheck" into something more appropriate... I did that in a hurry and used an old script... cough... And kill the border... So many mistakes... (Reply to this) (Parent)

	mearls 2008-06-11 07:10 pm UTC (link)
	You sir, are a genius. I will forward this entry to the appropriate writers and designers. We lost months to generating all those names! As for free minis, you're a month late! We just did a big purge of the RPGA's stash of figures, and we had big boxes of free minis for the taking. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Web App zargon 2008-06-11 08:27 pm UTC (link)
	There's also two "Sheboygan"s. Let us know if you change any more so we can all change our apps. I've done one two but I can't get FTP to work (at work, go figure) to upload it, and it ain't near as pretty as all the others. If I get it posted, I'll let you know. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: Web App muskrat_john 2008-06-11 09:07 pm UTC (link)
	Many thanks! "L.Ron" substituted for one. Just cuz. :-) (Reply to this) (Parent)

	jedifreeman 2008-06-11 09:02 pm UTC (link)
	http://www.benlori.com/generator (Reply to this) (Thread)

	jedifreeman 2008-06-11 09:22 pm UTC (link)
	updated to allow batch generation for creatures (Reply to this) (Parent)

	daffodil_aura 2008-06-11 09:22 pm UTC (link)
	Random generators are one of my favourite things to while away hours with, just pondering the what if that would've spawned some of those results. The writing of them, however, I tend to get obsessive and while away days with... and never finish. From the one in the main link, fear my "Penguin Cyclonestrummer" -- That'd be one really massive wind instrument. ^.^ (Reply to this) (Thread)

	geekgrl64 2008-06-11 11:23 pm UTC (link)
	Beautiful! (Reply to this)