muskrat_john (muskrat_john) wrote,
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muskrat_john

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KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE

The designers of Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition must be having a real roller-coaster time, right about now. On the one hand, this epic labor of love is finally in readers' hands, to much acclaim. On the other hand, it will be slowly nibbled to death by gerbils as every gamer under the sun points out the one or two nitpicky things they dislike in the nearly-thousand-page Opus of Awesomejuice they released.

(I, for one, don't understand why The "Customizing Scores" method of character generation starts with 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10. Would it have been that much to throw a couple extra points players' ways - creating 10's across the board - and thereby making the subsequent table of point additions that much more elegant? Nitpicky, nitpicky, NITPICKY!)

I will say, however, that the Monster Manual gives me greatest pause. Not due to any mechanic. Simply because of the sheer number of monsters that now go by MODIFIER-title MONSTER NAME (or MONSTER NAME modifier-TITLE). Yes, I realize this is due to the seemingly endless subdivision and stratification of monsters and monster types necessitated by new monster Roles: artillery, brute, controller, soldier, fishmonger (or something like that). But still, in the first few pages alone, we have:

Aboleth Slime Mage
Aboleth Overseer
Ice Archon Hailscourge
Ice Archon Rimehammer (embarrassingly misread as "RIM-hammer," initially)

Ice Archon Frostshaper
Azer Taskmaster
Azer Beastlord
Warthorn Battlebriar (Um...is that "War Thorn" or "Wart Horn"? Just wonderin', is all...)
Earthrage Battlebriar

Turning to a random page in the middle (132), we have the

Gnoll Huntmaster
Gnoll Demonic Scourge
Gnoll Claw Fighter

The sense of rhythm is undeniable, but so, alas, is the sense of sameness. Were the ancients forbidden from using a third modifier? Did they have to pay by the word when entering new creatures into the ledger? It does rather make me want to take a look at the stylebook the zoologists are forced to use in the lands of Greyhawk.

Anyway, it's pretty obvious that D&D 4th edition has a specific way they'd like you to differentiate monsters. Now, anybody can be a critic. But it takes a better man to offer constructive advice - to put forward something POSITIVE. And so, in that spirit, I humbly offer KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE, for those who want to create monsters or name new Player Characters the right way...the Fourth Edition way. Roll some dice and try it out!




KOVALIC'S SCROLL OF SWARMING FOURTH EDITION NOMENCLATURE

STEP ONE

ROLL 1D20.
1-5 Table creates a prefix (ie, Feypants Orc)
6-20 Table creates a suffix (ie, Orc Lightningrimmer)


STEP TWO
FLIP A COIN, THEN ROLL PERCENTILE DICE.
Heads, you generate a number between 1 and 100. Tails, you generate a number between 101 and 200. Do this twice. For example, you roll a 62 and an 04. 62 in the first column is "Goat," and 82 is "crotch." Bingo! So your new monster would be either a Goatcrotch Ent or an Ent Goatcrotch, depending on how you rolled during Step One.

ROLL MODIFIER TITLE
01 Thunder spleen
02 Lightning toes
03 Sheboygan seer
04 Fire crotch
05 L.Ron hamster
06 Over lard
07 Slime lord
08 Stalker -iffic
09 Blood sausage
10 Battle thighs
11 Frost noodle
12 Hell scourge
13 Lily hammer
14 Slut master
15 Task queen
16 Beast breath
17 Toady catcher
18 Dart board
19 Shadow swarmer
20 Venom -eye
21 Water cup
22 Cream liver
23 Dire spike
24 Rot gut
25 Tangle- champ
26 Mace tail
27 Iron fingers
28 Pickle tyrant
29 Sloppy fist
30 Bone claw
31 Postpunk reaver
32 Bitchy cakes
33 Tiny dancer
34 Fey ray
35 Mire- hair
36 God spurned
37 Heck forged
38 Vise tooth
39 Gob smacker
40 Fight club
41 Gerbil carver
42 Spectral buns
43 Winter shield
44 Wyrm hook
45 Toad stool
46 Brittle marmot
47 Havok pants
48 Porn moonbat
49 Pullover jumper
50 Death hulk
51 Cheese weasel
52 Muskrat lover
53 Dragon born
54 Orc fluffer
55 Yellow submariner
56 Beard trimmer
57 Chain gang
58 Ice ricer
59 Pit devil
60 War fiend
61 Chicken strummer
62 Goat patter
63 Spiney devourer
64 Spirit Emo
65 Sneak stockings
66 Beast baiter
67 Rune boobie
68 Black knife
69 White shadow
70 Brown cow
71 Blue state
72 Beetle juice
73 Gloom belcher
74 Kobold slayer
75 Gnoll layer
76 Pseudo intellectual
77 Copper kettle
78 Spitting overseer
79 Brass knuckle
80 Bolt thrower
81 Pink singer
82 Chaffed strider
83 Chapped lips
84 Pyre britches
85 Summer wind
86 Golden shower
87 Salad shooter
88 Sugar butt
89 Papaya bolt
90 Dread budgie
91 Raisin toast
92 Sleepy hollow
93 Rock brain
94 Earthwind fire
95 Ur- stench
96 Web wing
97 Butter king
98 Forge fairy
99 Fell yellowpolkadotbikini
100 Cleaveland steamer
101 Sponge nuts
102 Swarm thingie
103 Torn fancypants
104 Deep throat
105 Swallow nickers
106 Proud foot
107 One sack
108 Badonkadonk loaf
109 Heavy breather
110 Frak bottom
111 Meat snack
112 Tasty nose
113 Pain maistro
114 Skullcrusher squarepants
115 Itsybityteenyweeny mellons
116 Rap parts
117 Cookie business
118 Numb geek
119 Man scape
120 Girl bits
121 Danger boots
122 Tweedle dum
123 Galaxy jaw
124 Phlegm bootie
125 Pixie dickens
126 Piggie pumeller
127 Marmot -priest
128 Spinning itcher
129 Dancing dancer
130 Craven undergarments
131 Nookie froster
132 Tentacle saw
133 French tickler
134 Naughty trombone
135 Evildead sanchez
136 Goon kidney
137 Bug ickstomper
138 Swallow spitz
139 Dribble snot
140 Candy king
141 Strong branch
142 Green twig
143 Moon Raker
144 Snot rocket
145 Finger- romper
146 Head splitter
147 Skuttle slut
148 Heart eater
149 Dirty Canuck
150 One-eved wonderworm
151 Icepick wielder
152 Bacon -chewer
153 Despoiler oddparents
154 Sore sore
155 Fresh- breeze
156 Back stabber
157 Stabber back
158 Pants head
159 Crotch stink
160 Crab wingnut
161 Crabby panties
162 Steel pelvis
163 Tomb will
164 Rubber duckie
165 Stabby- -in-the-hole
166 Itty -stab-stab
167 Prehensile skull
168 Necro- wrestle
169 Bass thumper
170 Part-time- -temp
171 Curd fry-o-lator
172 Gnome giblets
173 Drow gravy
174 Booty fruit
175 Beer- -licious
176 Jail -bait
177 Extracrispy groin
178 Lice loins
179 Gland odor
180 Blooming bloomers
181 Furry helmet
182 Snorkel flank
183 Banger -ass
184 Snausage- stick
185 Beef chew
186 Crone jowl
187 Sword -heart
188 Ass hips
189 Stoat jockey
190 Titty clogs
191 Spork slag
192 Scum whore
193 Slime -ho
194 Trebuchet wanker
195 Feudal bitch
196 Loose molester
197 Bubble top
198 King pimp
199 Skull stripper
200 Strudel extruder


My good deed for the day is done. No need to thank me now, WoTC. What? What's that, you say? You want to send scads of D&D minis my way, as a show of gratitude? Well...OK, you scamps, you.

(And yes, if anybody possesses the Program-fu to turn this into a web application, I'd love to do an interactive variation.)

EDIT: Holy Stalkercrotch Orc! There are already three version to chose from, if you prefer your tables web-generated!

From abodnar: Version A

From fullcontactmuse: Version B

From critus: Version C

Here are some orcs I generated using Version B:

Rockmaster Orc
Orc Webdevil
Orc Feypants
Orc Gloomweasel
Orc Watertoes
Orc Beardbolt
Orc Overspleen
Wargut Orc
Orc Deathknife
Dragonborn Orc (go figure)
Orc Tangle-hollow
Slutsinger Orc
Orc Rotslayer
Orc Sloppycatcher
Orc Thunder-iffic
Orc Sheboyganlord
Stalkercrotch Orc

Heeee!

EDIT EDIT: Now 200 strong. I'm stopping here. I may tweak a word or two, but in general, I think 400 words total should get us well into Monster Manual II territory, and possibly beyond.
Tags: dork tower, dungeons and dragons, scroll
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  • A Blast from the Past I

    As Monica has me getting things ready for Dork Tower's 15th anniversary year, next year, I've been stumbling across a ton of interesting stuff in…

  • The Matt Puppets

    So, I popped up to Convergence a couple of weeks ago, in part to take part in the annual madness that is IRON ARTIST, and in part to meet up with…

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    Quick announcement: It's the PERKY SUMMER SALE, over at Drivethru Comics, and all DORK TOWER and DR. BLINK trade e-books are 25%. Go tyere! Now! Buy…